OH, Same Shit, Different Day!

Monday, October 31, 2005

im complete because of you!


Merlin Tan Jr. you are my other half...

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

remembering a sad day

"Been there, Done that" what a common thing to say... i almost say that always, but have i ever been there... or have i tried doing that? I really can't say. Most of my life, ive been rebelling and now im tired of being wild and being bitchy. I guess people really do get old, and once they do they have different means in proving a point or conveying their ideas. This weekend i went to the haus to get samples of my written and published work, i found a lot of written stuff in my chest... i was quite amazed, now i know i used to write well, however the pieces i wrote was mostly angst, deppression, death, cruelty, violence and how i felt unloved. GEEESSSHHH! i was a troubled teenager... just thanked my parents for not giving up on me, esp. my mom who made the ultimate sacrifice. That's what i call it, ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.

I've been what they call a "BRAT" my entire childhood. Well, i was nice but i like to get the things that i WANT immediately or else!!! Yeah, i did school pranks and i wasn't afraid to break any rules because my mom was always there. She would be there to do damage control. Talked to the people involved and have little noise as possible. No sweat for me. hehe. I've been called by the guidance office a lot of times all ready but they couldn't kick me out or anything, i had good grades :D and i had a good debater mom that was a high ranking gov official. So, everything is going my way when i was a kid through early highschool. I do not need to go on details on the stuff i did before cause i have the right against self-incrimination. Just picture in your mind that every little whim i have, i get.

Imagine, just one day, changed my life... it was a day in april. She died at the age of 50. YUP. My mom died when i was 16, i was alone in the house with her, it was a rare thing that i was in the house because i would normally be out on a drinking spree, a movie, a friends house, or a trip to BIBO's. It happened all so fast, i was at the back portion of our apartment trying to do laundry... when i came back to watch TV Patrol, i saw my mom sitting in our bamboo chair with palms upward. I saw it, it was blue so i came from behind and called out her name... MOM? no answer...if my suspicions were true there is one way to find out... I placed my hands on her neck, she was cold all ready but i wanted to see if what i saw on discovery channel was true, i placed a little force on my hand just to have the neck swing a little, but in her case, it was a big swing. That confirmed my suspicions that she was dead. I CRIED AND YELLED AND CALLED OUT OUR NEIGHBORS TO HELP ME. Auntie Gene was there and she called the ERUF and tried to calmed me, but i still kept on crying and crying. ERUF arrived in less that 5 minutes, they tried to revive her, which they managed to do so after the 3rd injectible... so we went to the hospital. It was kind of scary cause im the youngest and i had to go with her to the hospital. I was the only family member... i had no money, nothing and i went with her aboard the ambulance. I remember crying most of the night. I cried in the ambulance and i still recall that i felt like my world collapsed that day. Part of it did because the moment we reached the hospital, my mom's heart beat went blank... It's really hard to see someone you love being place tubes so that they can try to breath... but still she remained cold and breathless. Its painful. Worst is that a year before it happened... i couldn't tell her that i loved her. I was ashamed. I could write it down in a letter but never say it. And a month before she died... she told me that she missed the old me, the one that was expressive and always happy. That time i said she was just being mushy and me? i hate mushiness. Going back, the doctors were trying to convince me to stop the CPR process which involves the electric thing that gives you a shock because her chest was aready bruised. I can still remember my exact answer up until now... "BAHALA NA MABUN-OG AKO MOM, BASTA BUHI LANG! AKO KINAMANGHURAN, HUWATUN LANG NATO AKO PAPA OR KUYA." They did not stop, i saw the doctors effort as well as the nurses to bring back my mom. The doctor explained that if she ever regained her heartbeat she still would be a vegetable cause her brain would be damaged... I still didn't care. I wished my dad or kuya was there, that was the first time in so many years that i WISHED that they were present. My kuya arrived after the 3rd call i made to him. He thought that mom was just bought there for a check-up or admission, but the 3rd call, i told him... "mura'g wala na si mom" that made him come to the office in less that 10 minutes. It was my brother's decision to stop it... I just cried and cried because not until they stopped doing CPR did it sink in that my mom was gone. She's not gonna be there when i need her. She's not gonna see me go into college and get a degree. I hated that night, until now, i still do but i understand it more why it had to happen.

I'll admit it, that for the age that i was, which was 16 i was pretty... pretty immature, obnoxious and hard-headed. Surely, i had a lot of friends, barkadas and a boyfriend to take care of. I couldn't care less about family events, family values and even family members. That was before. After my mom died... I kept asking the Lord why, why he had to choose my mom. Why couldn't it be a drug addict or a snatcher... or anybody else beside her. But then, everytime i ask that... the only reason that would pop in my tiny brain would be... SO THAT I'LL GROW UP! I dont know if i did grow up, but i am a different person now than i was 5 years ago. I'm more calm, happy, a little demanding still (controlling this pa), values family, expressive and i treasure the time i spend with every person.

Sometimes, i still wonder what if my mom didn't die? what if i was not there in the apartment? what if she lived and became a vegetable? what if dad got married right after she died? what if i said to her that i loved her a month or a day before she passed? what if i wake up one day and realized that that event was just a dream? what if i can see her... hay! so many...

So many what if's... countless even. I am sure though that if she saw me now... she would not be ashamed of what i have become. I've become the person who i really want to be, unlike the girl she knew who tried to fit in. I hope you are happy and enjoying life there. Please pray for us here on earth... i know your spririt is still with me and the only thing that was taken away from me was your physical aspect... SO, MOM... I LOVE YOU! im sorry i couldn't say those words before and i wish you were here to guide me. :D

All I Ask of You

All I Ask Of You

from The Phantom of the Opera
Written by: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Charles Hart
~ Michael Crawford (Phantom), Sarah Brightman (Christine), Steve Barton (Raoul)

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you - my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you...

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe:
No-one will find you -
your fears are far behind you...

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night...
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me...

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
let me lead you from your solitude....
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too -
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...

Raoul & Christine:
Share each day with me,
each night,
each morning...

Say you love me...

You know I do...

Raul & Christine:
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

Anywhere you go let me go too...
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

I gave you my music...
made your song take wing...
and now how you've repaid me:
denied me and betrayed me...
He was bound to love you when he heard you sing...


Raoul & Christine:
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me, each night, each morning...

You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you...!

(this is the music that my seatmate keeps on playing... over n over agen!)
***grin*** i like it too!

Monday, October 24, 2005

di ordinaryong sakit!

buong araw wala akong nagawa kundi humiga. baket? yung lower back ko kasi ang sakit! pucha, kulang nalang patayin ako! umiyak na nga ako, uminum ng gamot, nag chicken soup, nagdasal, nagpractice ng mind over matter... pero ayaw parin mawala. Akala ko, massage lang katapat ang hilig ko kasi magpamasahe eh, kaya inutusan ko kasambahay namin para i massage ako. Instead of making it better, lalong lumala. GRRRR! ayoko na! TAMA NA! Late ako pumasok ngayon kasi dumaan ako sa ospital para magpa check-up, may history na po ako ng BONE problem, yung torticollis bah. Kaya ganun, went by dr. flodeliz's office. basic check up. x ray and iba pa. Today, im going to get the results sa mga exams regarding my bones. Funny thing is, when i explained to my friend yung pain ko.

sabi nya, "baka slipped disk yan?"
ako, nagulat... "WAHT!!! di ha..." (sabay search sa internet kung ano yung symptoms, buti nalang di nagmatch! Salamat LORD)

----then an hour after... nag rereklamo ulit ako sa back ko, pa describe na naman cya sa kind of pain, then ----

sabi nya, "di yan bone problem, tol. UTI yan...
"WHAT!?! sa'an mo nakuha yang idea na yan? impossible. di ako pwede magka UTI, nagpa check ako last month for that, negative."
last month yun, iba ngayon? so pa check ka! then he went on about a friend na kilala ko rin who experienced the same kind of thing. Listen naman ako... huhu! dont want that to happen to me. si manong din, yun din ang sabi. baka daw UTI... ito rin daw symptoms ng wife nya.

So here i am, trying to drink as much water as i can before i leave so that i'll have enough urine for a urine test.

I really don't know what caused this, i dont know what to do... sad thing is, my BF just had an operation sa leg nya, kaya he can't visit me and accompany me to the doctor. La akong magawa. Pray lang ako.

dats all for today. taas yung entry but it all sums up to... IM SICK! WWWAAAAHHHH

ps. tsalamat sa mga taong concerned. kahit parating tanong at tanong :P

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Happy... shalala!!!

thats all folks... hehe. ngayong araw na toh, saya ko... kasin na reassure ko self ko na love ako ng dad ko at miss na nya ako. Imagine, pumunta cya sa bording haus namin. Well not exactly. he did not go inside and check my place pero my roomate saw him outside ng boarding haus namin at always looking at our room. Patingin tingin effect bah. My roomate, si shy naging excited, sumigaw. Ganun, nadinig ng father ko na tinatawag ako dahil dad ko daw nandyan sa labas ng bahay. Me naman i went down and... VIOLA, my dad... hehe. Miss ko na dad ko at family ko but living alone was my choice. I wanted to see if i can make it. Parang testing waters bah. I also wanna change. Me and my sisters are somewhat oil and water. Parating nag-aaway. So, this way i miss them. :P

the only bad thing that happened to me ay...! Nasira tiyan ko, i ate too much last night eh. HAY! pagtakaw nga naman oh!

Friday, October 21, 2005

na bwibwisit ako sa inyu! HITLIST KO!

Kaninang umaga, i was fascinated by a conversation i had with Shy (my roomate), we talked about my enemies and how i felt towards them now... I said to her na kahit gaga ako nuon at maraming ka balbal-an ginawa... i still have a few list of people i can't stand to be stuck in an island with... so here's my list!

haynaku. one word lang to describe you is INSENSITIVE! why could you not see whats happening sa iyu. why act that way. I may not be the most mature person in this world but i know that if that happened to me i would not just sulk around and make excuses!

couldnt you see it! grrr! laki mu talagang tanga... i hope di ka pumasa sa licensure exams mu... bahala na kung masama tingin mu sa akin. DONT CARE! you keep on smiling pero ang itim pala ng budhi mo... you even madde a comment once na "maldita ka"! i'm not scared... ayoko lang ng gulo. we are living in the same haus kaya hindi pa kita binali-an nang buto. I respect yung landlady natin. you should thank her... na wala pang masamang nangyari sayu!

Feel mu takot ako sayu...? for crying out loud... you dont know the real me. ayokong ilabas ang kahayupan ko... baka magmaka wasak wasak buhay mu.

SUS! feeling pretty. vain. unfortunately, no brains to back that up! i hate seeing you doing the ritual para pumuti ka. di mu ba alam that if white-skinned people are more prone to skin cancer. DUMBASS! hehehe... sus, wala pa gani working experience mamili na trabaho... ug ka trabaho dapat HAAY!

Pwede tan-tanan mo na ako... i dont wanna see you. i dont wish that our path mag cross pa! but you are always lurking around alleys near my place. Don't you know that you are a certified stalker! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! you idiot. you left me and now you want me agen... anu ako? HILU?

msg for you and you and you and you...

Write down 10 different lines that are intended
for certain people. Dont tell anyone who they're for!
(from the blog of floyd na galing din sa blog ni doms.. here goes nothing!)

i love you! you've been there through it all! i can never repay your kindness and love that you have given me. I'm here and will always be here, as long as you want me to be. You have been everything that i wished for in a partner and so much more... i dont wanna loose you, so please pick up yourself and let's start anew. I won't let go of your hand i promise!

I will never be me w/o you! I know you had your reasons for letting go and i respect it. I'm sorry I really wasn't able to let you know that I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!

I miss hanging out with you guys! I miss the house and i miss our routines. I'm sorry you felt bad about my decision and how i acted back then. I hope that one day i can go back there, but as of now... im still hurting and i wanna resolve this feeling alone. ITS JUST MY WAY!

ikaw babae ka, intregera kay ka. wala kay nabuhat sa balay kundili mag pa grabe ug sitwasyun. isipan, hambugera, sabaan, ms. know-it-all, and feeling cute (di raba dyud)! balik na sa inyung lugar... didto pag hasik sa imung hilo! B_I_T_C_H!

salamat. you are a true friend. Intelligent pero weird. tama ka... away bati nga tayu but i know na you are a friend for keeps! Wouldn't wanna jeopardize that rare find for any material thing or temporary excitement! (di bale nalang kung si JERRY YAN yun!) Swerte yung babaeng mapapangasawa mu! I hope makita mu agad cya, para may ina-anak na ako!

I want a mellow life, di na masyadong iinum, parties na gusto ko ay tayu2x lang. bakit di nyo ako maintindihan. Don't call me "others" cause ive never been that! Kahit 3 o'clock in the morning tinatawagan nyo ako... takbo naman agad ako ah! When did i go wrong? Gusto ko lang na di na masyadong wild yung life ko... masama ba yun?

I hope that you will realize that we can never be anything anymore. Not lovers, not even friends. I don't respect you eh? you've ripped that little trust i had in you when you made me cry again. lahat ng physical at emotional pain na dinaanan ko sa iyo sana maranasan mu. don't call me now! its too late... dont need help, dont need you love, dont need your money, dont need your car... most of all I DONT NEED A FUCKING ASSHOLE LIKE YOU!

why are you so eccentric? i don't know why you do the things that you hate and dont even like. If you are not happy... why do it? if you do not feel complete, then why stay? Risk what you have now... its not much anyways! LIVE. live your own life, dont let anybody dictate what you are and what you want to be!

I envied you! you had everything. you always get what you want. you always got away with it. you had the blessings any girl would want but you wanted more. the more selfish you became, the more good things you had... until now! You are hurting good people and i hope you can find the one man that can complete you.

salamat. for loving me at that period in my life. for accepnting me as I am. not wanting to change me. forever grateful ako sa iyo, you taught me things that helped me through my trouble years. you saw me when i was down yet you reached out and gave me a lift, i returned the favor once... but even now... i know that if i still call you and ask you to help me you will be there!

(my biology experiment drawings were great!)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Realized this... just now!!!

gaga talaga ako... ngayon ko lang na realize that i can have two blogs... at kaya kong i maintain both... tanga talaga ako, dunno why? i had a conversation from a new friend si doms, tinanong nya sa akin if i keep a blog. Sabi ko, YUP! pero di ako masyado magpopost ng intimate na thoughts kasi baka makita nang mga taong ayoko na ma-associate pa sakin. GRRR!

Now, i made another one. Im keeping my other blog but if you ever find this/or know about it, just means your a treasured friend or a very lucky person...!

right now, i promise to do regualr updates. TRUE feelings whatsoever! bahala na!


-and most of all-