"Been there, Done that" what a common thing to say... i almost say that always, but have i ever been there... or have i tried doing that? I really can't say. Most of my life, ive been rebelling and now im tired of being wild and being bitchy. I guess people really do get old, and once they do they have different means in proving a point or conveying their ideas. This weekend i went to the haus to get samples of my written and published work, i found a lot of written stuff in my chest... i was quite amazed, now i know i used to write well, however the pieces i wrote was mostly angst, deppression, death, cruelty, violence and how i felt unloved. GEEESSSHHH! i was a troubled teenager... just thanked my parents for not giving up on me, esp. my mom who made the ultimate sacrifice. That's what i call it, ULTIMATE SACRIFICE.
I've been what they call a "BRAT" my entire childhood. Well, i was nice but i like to get the things that i WANT immediately or else!!! Yeah, i did school pranks and i wasn't afraid to break any rules because my mom was always there. She would be there to do damage control. Talked to the people involved and have little noise as possible. No sweat for me. hehe. I've been called by the guidance office a lot of times all ready but they couldn't kick me out or anything, i had good grades :D and i had a good debater mom that was a high ranking gov official. So, everything is going my way when i was a kid through early highschool. I do not need to go on details on the stuff i did before cause i have the right against self-incrimination. Just picture in your mind that every little whim i have, i get.
Imagine, just one day, changed my life... it was a day in april. She died at the age of 50. YUP. My mom died when i was 16, i was alone in the house with her, it was a rare thing that i was in the house because i would normally be out on a drinking spree, a movie, a friends house, or a trip to BIBO's. It happened all so fast, i was at the back portion of our apartment trying to do laundry... when i came back to watch TV Patrol, i saw my mom sitting in our bamboo chair with palms upward. I saw it, it was blue so i came from behind and called out her name... MOM? no answer...if my suspicions were true there is one way to find out... I placed my hands on her neck, she was cold all ready but i wanted to see if what i saw on discovery channel was true, i placed a little force on my hand just to have the neck swing a little, but in her case, it was a big swing. That confirmed my suspicions that she was dead. I CRIED AND YELLED AND CALLED OUT OUR NEIGHBORS TO HELP ME. Auntie Gene was there and she called the ERUF and tried to calmed me, but i still kept on crying and crying. ERUF arrived in less that 5 minutes, they tried to revive her, which they managed to do so after the 3rd injectible... so we went to the hospital. It was kind of scary cause im the youngest and i had to go with her to the hospital. I was the only family member... i had no money, nothing and i went with her aboard the ambulance. I remember crying most of the night. I cried in the ambulance and i still recall that i felt like my world collapsed that day. Part of it did because the moment we reached the hospital, my mom's heart beat went blank... It's really hard to see someone you love being place tubes so that they can try to breath... but still she remained cold and breathless. Its painful. Worst is that a year before it happened... i couldn't tell her that i loved her. I was ashamed. I could write it down in a letter but never say it. And a month before she died... she told me that she missed the old me, the one that was expressive and always happy. That time i said she was just being mushy and me? i hate mushiness. Going back, the doctors were trying to convince me to stop the CPR process which involves the electric thing that gives you a shock because her chest was aready bruised. I can still remember my exact answer up until now... "BAHALA NA MABUN-OG AKO MOM, BASTA BUHI LANG! AKO KINAMANGHURAN, HUWATUN LANG NATO AKO PAPA OR KUYA." They did not stop, i saw the doctors effort as well as the nurses to bring back my mom. The doctor explained that if she ever regained her heartbeat she still would be a vegetable cause her brain would be damaged... I still didn't care. I wished my dad or kuya was there, that was the first time in so many years that i WISHED that they were present. My kuya arrived after the 3rd call i made to him. He thought that mom was just bought there for a check-up or admission, but the 3rd call, i told him... "mura'g wala na si mom" that made him come to the office in less that 10 minutes. It was my brother's decision to stop it... I just cried and cried because not until they stopped doing CPR did it sink in that my mom was gone. She's not gonna be there when i need her. She's not gonna see me go into college and get a degree. I hated that night, until now, i still do but i understand it more why it had to happen.
I'll admit it, that for the age that i was, which was 16 i was pretty... pretty immature, obnoxious and hard-headed. Surely, i had a lot of friends, barkadas and a boyfriend to take care of. I couldn't care less about family events, family values and even family members. That was before. After my mom died... I kept asking the Lord why, why he had to choose my mom. Why couldn't it be a drug addict or a snatcher... or anybody else beside her. But then, everytime i ask that... the only reason that would pop in my tiny brain would be... SO THAT I'LL GROW UP! I dont know if i did grow up, but i am a different person now than i was 5 years ago. I'm more calm, happy, a little demanding still (controlling this pa), values family, expressive and i treasure the time i spend with every person.
Sometimes, i still wonder what if my mom didn't die? what if i was not there in the apartment? what if she lived and became a vegetable? what if dad got married right after she died? what if i said to her that i loved her a month or a day before she passed? what if i wake up one day and realized that that event was just a dream? what if i can see her... hay! so many...
So many what if's... countless even. I am sure though that if she saw me now... she would not be ashamed of what i have become. I've become the person who i really want to be, unlike the girl she knew who tried to fit in. I hope you are happy and enjoying life there. Please pray for us here on earth... i know your spririt is still with me and the only thing that was taken away from me was your physical aspect... SO, MOM... I LOVE YOU! im sorry i couldn't say those words before and i wish you were here to guide me. :D